Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
