I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
