Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
