I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
