How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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