I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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