i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
