i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
