i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
