i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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