I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
The adults are the big ones right?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
