What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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