a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I want a musical about memes.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
