i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
