my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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