How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
