grandma shit on top of the toilet
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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