Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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