im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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