I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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