You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I need to align my fucking chakras
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
