Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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