Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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