Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
