obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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