i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
