I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I deserve this hangover.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
