I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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