I feel great
I just peed on a car
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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