she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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