i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
