bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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