So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
