Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
