this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
