my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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