I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
So many bounce houses so little time
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
foreskin is a definite game changer
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
