i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
