I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
