White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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