if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
