my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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