It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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