You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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