Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
