see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
