I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize