I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
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