dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
