You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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