Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
we're so committed to being not committed
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
