theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
