If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
