my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
