Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Randomize
