Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
