i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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