I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
