I faked an abortion last night.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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