She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
