its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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