My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
