Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
