He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
