My underwear smells like fireworks.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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