can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
