Your mouth is God's brothel.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
