Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
